Thursday, March 08, 2007
Venturing Into The Unknown
By SaritaI experienced a first last night. In that I went on a date with a divorced guy. With a kid. The kid didn't come on the date if that's what you are wondering. Just exists. And seems to be adored by his father. Despite my tendency to believe that the divorced deserve to be given just as much a chance as anyone else (there are some very legitimate reasons for it after all) and that the stigma that it sometimes carries is unfair, the whole thing makes me a little wary.
See, in my second hand experience with the matter, divorce has occurred with friends and some family due the infidelity (to spouse and/or faith), or the whole living a whole separate life and being a big fat liar. And it's all been on the male side that these things have occurred. Hence my hesitation. But can I just tell you that it was one of the best (possible the all time best) dates I have ever been on. I don't know why I was shocked that he actually acted like an adult but it was refreshing. The thing that really got me was when we were being seated in the corner of a crowded section on the restaurant. I began to sit down as he grabbed my arm and told me to hold on a sec. He then politely asked if it was at all possible to get the table across the room. Which we did. He apologized to me for being picky and explained that he wanted us to be able to talk and have a little privacy. Something about that small gesture was so impressive.
I don't know what will happen there, but at the very least, I realized something. That there are men out there. Apparently those that I have dated aren't so much of the "man" variety. Perhaps having had the responsibility of being a husband and father makes the difference. I don't know, but his whole demeanor was foreign to me. And appealing. The child thing does worry me as it complicates things and is not what I would ideally envision as the ideal situation, but I think I would be willing to give it a go for the right person. It was so refreshing to fall easily into conversation, and not feel like we had to strain to find things in common or understand each other. Comfortable.
He speaks very kindly of his ex-wife and only said that the divorce happened for good reasons. That's enough for me right now.
Anyone had any experience with this. Dating the divorced, or being divorced yourself and venturing back into the dating world?
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Post Valentines Meanderings
By SaritaI am maybe the luckiest girl in the world. Wasn't expecting anything for the V-day (which is pretty typical, and which I'm fine with). My dear father however was all sneaky like and had roses sent to my office for me. So sweet.
The thing is, unlike most single people I know, I don't hate the day. Yes, it is a reminder of all utterly single I might be, but in the meantime, I see it as an excuse to express sappy sentiments to those in my life that I do love. And I think its fun. Plus, since I was a little girl, my father has always done something for his daughters on Valentines. I have fond memories of waking up to a red balloon anchored down by a card and candy on a chair next to my bed. The card usually contained some witty and thoughtful verse composed by my father to his daughters. I cherish those memories.
Now, as an adult, and the token single child, Dad still makes a point to spoil me, his little Valentine, each year. So my sentiments towards the day are overwhelmingly positive.
What I don't like about the day: girls who seem to expect something extravagant from their significant other. What's up with that? No wonder most men seem to have a begrudging bitter taste in their mouth regarding these expectations. Keep it sweet and simple I say. The occasional pricey gesture probably would not be turned down, but its also not necessary. Or expected. Not about material things people. About the actual love.
When I spoke to my father later in the day to thank him for the flowers, he related his days experiences to me. My parents had celebrated the night before with a nice dinner and trip to the DI (this is their idea of a fun night) where they split up to look at their separate things. Upon meeting at the front, my father proudly displayed his drill he discovered, and mom, a bag full of different sized drill bits. True love I tell ya.
The next day, the day of St. Valentine himself, Dad cheerfully asked what he describes as the sharp, attractive assistant at work how her valentines was going. She responded nonchalantly, "oh I don't do Valentines Day". My father then related to me this insight "I've found that women that say that, or express disdain for the day really mean that they don't expect anything." (and here I thought we had men fooled) He proceeded to explain how he rushed over to the grocery store, bought her a little "friend valentine" and some candy, expressing what a good addition she was tot he office and delivered it to her desk. She responded with a big smile.
"Good job Dad" I said. His response was the following, "If I could only transport the wisdom I have attained over the years by living amongst all these women to a man half my age, he would be a force to be reckoned with." Indeed daddy. Indeed.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Is it just me?
By SaritaI've recently discovered a few things that make me feel not-quite-so-alone-in-the-world.
1) I'm not the only one that guys disappear on. After having proclaimed that they are interested. With no prompting from my side. And with what I assume to be a proper amount of encouragement in response without appearing that I am more into them than I actually am at present. Honestly, most of the time, I'm not heart broken or anything, as I probably wasn't all that interested. Yet. That usually takes time before I'm invested enough. But why disappear without any explanation? Profession of interest and desire to see each other more one night, and then nada. Thats just rude.
2) Men are not the only to disappear. Apparently women do that as well. I admit that after a bad first date, I don't eagerly contact the guy and totally understand if you're just not that into me, doing likewise. But have never expressed interest and then not followed through. A conversation with a guy I once went out with a few times opened my eyes to this fact. WE mutually agreed that it wasn't going to go anywhere and are now good friends. See, adults. It fun to act like one.
3) I am not the only one that makes believe that the guy who disappeared got in a car accident and is in a coma and therefore cannot contact me as he would be dying to do were he in his right mind and all.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
mama said there'd be days like this
By Lily TIt's been quite a while since my last post, a fact I regret a bit, given that the last 10 months of my life have been kind of exciting: I moved across the country, started a new job, acclimated to humidity AND a new singles ward, and made it into a choir that performs at one of the world's most respected concert halls. All while maintaining a healthy and happy long-distance relationship. And without my knowing it, my last post, "point system," told the story of its beginning.
It's kind of funny to think about it now because I wouldn't have believed a year ago, if someone had told me, that we'd be where we are today. Not only because we both now live somewhere we weren't living then (thankfully now in the same different place), but because the perfect fit of our combination was so surprising.
I had always believed my mom when she told me I should find someone who was my best friend. I knew that logic made sense, I saw it in my parents' relationship, but it always made me a little bit cranky when she said it like it was just simple as that. 'Cause I had tried. And tried. And tried. And it never worked.
But then I started hoping that despite my botched attempts, somehow "it" would all work out. I didn't know what "it" was, how I would recognize "it" or how I'd get myself ready for "it," but I began hoping. And I began asking the Lord to help me really seek it, which I'd never really done before.
And I began to believe He really did know how to make me the happiest. It was a tough concept for me to grasp, it really was. So simple in its direct promise, but it seemed impossible to apply it. Be He told me He did, so I knew it was time to believe Him.
And then, somehow, it did work out. He did know (probably still does) what would make me happy and He opened my eyes so I could see it, right there in front of me. It wasn't what I expected, but it is what I needed. And it's really nice. And we're planning on it being nice for a really long time to come.
Turns out, my mom knew what she was talking about.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
In the name of love
By SaritaDuring a conversation with my father the other day, he expounded on how he would like to be able to assist me more financially with my current endeavors. He was apologetic that we (my sisters and I) did not have the perfect childhood. Financially speaking. I see it differently.
I promptly advised my father that our upbringing was in fact, perfect. I had a loving father, who despite great skills and education, had to forgo the affluent lifestyle he hoped to provide in the name of personal integrity. He worked hard to support us in everything he did, always looking for new resources, and being let down time and time again by his associates. My mother was our best friend. Fun and functional. Beautiful in all aspects. And talented. They loved each other. And still do. Had their rough moments when the stress of finances set in, but my overwhelming recollection is of the affection they displayed for one another. There wasn't much extra money, if any, but the experience of having to go without, bargain shop, and be creative with our thrifty finds edified us. We are close knit, and better for it.
Most of all, I have had a great example in love. And relationships. My parents get exasperated with each other but still are best friends and constant companions. It is the simple things that are evidence of that to me and I am sure to them.
My mother has always ironed my Dad's shirts for work. At times, circumstances have changed, Mother has gone back to work, and so sometimes Dad would do the ironing for the both of them. While my father was a bishop, she saw to it that food was prepared and ready to go when he was racing to meetings between work and church. He constantly encourages her in her creative pursuits. More recently, while she faced a stressful work environment that was draining the life from her, Dad, despite his own hectic work schedule, insisted on making her breakfast every morning. Usually a shake, with fruit and a base filled with vitamins and minerals. Sometimes, he ran out of ingredients and got creative.
This is where the love abounds:
There are a handful of mornings that the shakes tasted a little "different" and so Mom inquired as to the ingredients. One day, there wasn't the usual selection of frozen fruit or yogurt, and Dad discovered some forgotten frostbitten lime popsicles of my nieces in the back of the freezer and figured that they would make a good substitute. Mom said it was interesting in texture and taste, but not so much as the morning when she found the shake to have a gritty texture and rather bitter unpleasant taste. Apparently the vitamin enriched base that he usually used in the shakes was gone, and in an effort to make sure that his dear wife was properly nourished, Dad instead tossed in some of their multivitamins.
I think it is the sweetest thing ever. And what is even sweeter, is that she drank it.
Yeah, we had it good.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
By SaritaI think it's a given that we all have our little insecurities. From the most beautiful to the homely. Some may be more extreme and crippling than others, but the nature to want what we don't have is all the same. Mostly I like myself. There are some physical things like when I was standing in line for legs, I would have opted for the long sexy legs rather than the long sturdy ones. Granted mine aren't bad, and some have mentioned that they'd prefer mine over their short legs. Then again, I would prefer their thick hair, and had I super thin legs, than I probably would look pretty disproportionate with my curvey body and need to trade that in for more of a waif-ey one.
Last night as I watched a rerun (edited) episode of Sex and the City, I got to thinking. Carrie was writing an article about modelizers, or men that only date models aka unbelievably good looking and wellproportioned women. Usually with no intellect (not that beauty has to equal dumb, but the idea that this is all these women have going for them and the men don't seem to care). I find this to be true quite often. And not at all limited to the unbelievably attractive men, but you're general average men as well. Posing the question that, if mediocre men are only going for the unrealistic stereotype, what hope is there for the average, intelligent, attractive, but real life women?
I realize that not all men are completely shallow in such regards. And that is an additional blessing of the gospel; perspective and priorities. My beef is, there are guys ranging from the very goodlooking to the quirky and cute that have a good grasp on the gospel, are smart, responsible, and yet only seem to be attracted to those that are seem to be at the top of their league physically. Those that appreciate maturity, intellect, and beauty beyond a hard body seem to be, in my experience, the creepy, unbalanced type, who a) scare the begeezes out of me or b) are so extremely caught up in being the perfect peter priesthood that they wouldn't like me anyway, because I am not shocked by all swear words and am the type to be inspired by shows like Sex and the City.
I believe that once in a blue moon do we come across someone well balanced enough that it may actually work, but then the desperation to hang on to that fleeting opportunity sets in and I come off as one of the creepy folk and scare the begeezes out of him.
It's an uphill battle.
The end of the episode was actually refreshing, as the gorgeous man model revealed how vulnerable and alone he feels sometimes, that he really wants what most people want, family and stability. And that he thinks that Carrie's nose (that she hates) is cute. Deep down, we are all the same, with insecurities, faults, and a rockin hard body that is just harder for some of us to find and/or recognize in ourselves.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
To be or not to be....
By SaritaIt's not that I don't have my insecurities, and it's not that I never put up any kind of a front. I think that's human nature to generally want the world to see the best you, or sometimes, what is not even you but what you want to or feel you should be. As for myself, I am generally an open book. I am incredibly diplomatic so I probably put on a little bit of a show on occasion for the sake of getting along, or the comfort of others, but when it comes to my personal life, there is not much that I hide. Even though sometimes I think it would be to my benefit if I did.
Transparent. That's what my mother tells me I am. I think it's fitting. I'm polite, but I like what I like and will let you know without reservation. What I don't like, well, depending on the situation I will be politely silent, or brutally honest. Depends. For the most part I don't try and be what I'm not (which is why the prospect of marketing my own business is terrifying.....I like what I like and don't always expect others too, so you can imagine how it might be difficult). If someone strikes my fancy, or makes me laugh, or I find them interesting, I will talk to them openly.
The issue with all of this is: I'm finding that most men run away from this. If im not interested, I will definitely be guarded in my attention towards the individual because I do not like to give false impressions..... and yet, those are the ones I can't seem to shake. On the other hand, when I am myself and comfortable, despite intense or just mild interest, or just wanting good friends, I find they disappear quickly. Honestly, I don't really understand it. Which is fine. So, I should be intentionally cold to the people I find interesting. Got it.
I watched a movie this weekend, and a line struck me. Not that it's completely profound, but given some recent occurrences it just seemed to hit home. The main character just couldn't seemed to always date the wrong guys and her friend comments that "they are all wrong until you find the right one." Comforting in a way.
It's not that I'm not independent, or that I have to get married NOW. It's human nature to want companionship, and human nature to get impatient and, on occasion, discouraged by the process.
As before mentioned, my parents must sense this as they make such gestures as signing me up for a singles site (because so and so met her husband that way and he's great!) which really is fine. There was this guy who actually wanted to meet me sometime in the next few weeks as he will be in town on business. Yet, I can't seem to get passed the profile that is composed as a letter to his future children, written by himself and his unknown future wife about their manner of meeting and desires for the future. Sweet sentiment. But cart, horse, put them in order.....comes to mind.
This is hard work.