Ministering Angels
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
You're So Vain: Chapter 2
By Sarita
So I started commenting on the original post and was typing way too much (as usual) and figured it might warrant it's own thread.
Comments were made to the respect that there are tons of opportunities to go outside of ourselves and our own lives. I agree, but where's the time to do it? It's not that I won't try, and might actually do these things, but I seriously struggle in the time department. Granted I could give up the pathetic addiction my roommate and I share for the WB's Summerland (my head is hanging in shame, and if Johnny and Eva would just get back together I could find closure and move on). Does anyone else have this problem? I beat myself up because I missed the temple one week, and then for missing my friends bridal shower the next so I can actually go to the temple. And as for my Monday night date with the tv? I'm either there or drag myself to FHE. (And besides, the temple is closed that night, I am totally justified). I try to fulfill my calling, visit teach, work at the bakery in support of my roommate's calling, attend the mid week activity, babysit my nieces so their parents can go out, scrub the mildew off my poorly ventilated bathroom's ceiling with bleach, make several trips to Home Depot for my various home improvement projects and do them, keep up with the dishes, laundry, pay the bills, buy groceries, go to traffic school, attend the temple, read scriptures, work out for an hour a day, get together a mess of transcripts to actually apply for school and finish in my new major, oh and then there's work, but that only takes up 8, 9 hours a day. Tops. And that's this week.
So, my theory is the following:
Singles sometimes have less time due to the fact that they are expected to have all the time in the world and no one with whom to split responsibilities and stresses. I don't pretend that having a family to support is easy simply because there are two, but there is a division of duties. I for one try so hard to do everything I am supposed to do that I neglect things such as advancing my education, and having this social life that everyone seems to think is so dang important. Still, I don't want anyone going to Home Depot without me. It's fun, and *confessional* there are attractive members of the male gender. Honest to goodness. See, I'm social.
Elder Wirthlin spoke a while ago of instead of adding new things constantly, to take away the unnecessary aspects of our lives in order to focus on the more important. We think that as Latter Day Saints we have to do everything (at least I do) and such is not the case. I suppose it would do me good to clean house so to speak. Does anyone else suffer from this plight?
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Are Singles' Wards Worth It?
By Sarita
This Sunday as I was sitting in my gargantuan YSA ward, I started to feel. . . cloyed. The dating arsenal was being brandished with a vengeance; the covert reconnaissance operations and carefully orchestrated strategic maneouvers made me claustrophobic.
There is so much display! display! display! in a singles' ward. This display includes wearing the right outfit (trendy and sexy, but still mostly pure), sitting next to the right people (seats in Sunday School matter the most), and--if you're fast enough to beat the herd to the pulpit on a Fast Sunday--saying the right things in your testimony (making a joke, acknowledging a minor fault and summing up with cheerful platitudes). In fact, the whole mess sometimes feels like a zoo. The animals are out a-courtin', wearing their best plumage and calling their best mating calls, and the pheremone stink is horrendous.
You know what else makes it zoo-like? All the YSAs are corralled away from LDS families, kept in a carefully controlled environment until they get married and are ready to be released into the wild. The zookeepers are kind, of course, and you can always leave whenever you want--but there won't be anyone like you outside, and you'll get a lot of stares.
Singles' wards have definite advantages. Obviously the biggest is social. There are activities with other single LDS folk ad infinitum, and, the bishop hopes, lots of intra-ward dating. Another advantage is that the sacrament is passed in absolute silence. Also, Relief Society lessons aren't always about diapers and curfews.
Still, YSA wards have some serious drawbacks. One is that many singles end up feeling isolated and broken, fundamentally lesser than the rest of church members. This is part of what makes the transition to family wards so difficult after turning 30. Family wards aren't used to incorporating single members, so they often end up being patronized or ignored.
Another drawback is that YSA wards generally tend to have many extremely talented and energetic members, and have vastly fewer needs to fill than family wards. So you end up creating fake callings (like the "Social Commitee" of my ward) and staffing them with exceptional people, just to make sure everyone has a calling. In the rest of the stake's wards, though, these social commitee members could be making desperately-needed contributions. In YSA wards, they just twiddle their thumbs.
Another benefit to disbanding YSA wards is that singles would finally have an easy way to develop relationships with marrieds. The current gulf between a 26-year-old who is married and a 26-year-old who is not is very deep in the church. There could be more mutual support, discussion, and even friendship between these two groups. That could go a long way to counteract the tendency to reduce identity to "married" and "single."
Church leaders often go out of their way to break up ward homogeneity. Boundaries are frequently redrawn to include greater economic variety, for example. So why are young singles the only church members given their own entirely separate organizations? (Langage groups are the exception, but that division seems to be a matter of practicality.) Of course, there is the hope that if we're all thrown together for a decade or so, most of us will get married. This works for many people. But if all singles were incorporated into family wards, you would still have singles finding each other--through stake and regional activities, as well as informal networking--and socializing. You might even have more socializing; a standard dating practice is to avoid members of your own ward ("Don't Dirty the Water Hole"). Alternatively, it could be argued that having 15-20 singles per family ward instead of 200 in a YSA ward would increase meaningful interaction between the single men and women and lead to more, and better-suited, relationships.
If YSA wards were disbanded, singles would benefit from increased opportunities to serve, interaction with families, and feeling like fully participating and fully enfranchised members of the church. As it is, we sometimes feel like teenagers kept in a holding pen until we either pass the marriage test or are declared with "Defective -- Over Thirty" and thrown out of the zoo anyway.
So, what's your take on this? Would you like to see church policy move towards treating young singles like their married counterparts? How would this hurt or benefit family wards, or singles themselves? Does anyone know how or when or why singles' wards developed in the first place?
While you think those things through, I'll be planning my outfit for next Sunday. After all, it's never too early to prune that plumage.
You're So Vain: You probably think this blog is about you
By Sarita
Don't you? Come on now. Don't deny it. We all have a little vanity in there somewhere. Some of us spend a fourth of the day looking in the mirror, other's relish in knowing more than others and writing oh-so-profound comments on several blogs addressing countless issues everyday. You know who you are. And I enjoy your comments. As for myself, is it really that bad that I enjoy seeing my name at the top of this post? A sense of pride wells up inside, and while it's not quite my name in lights and the post, let's face it, is really not all that good, I get my jollies seeing how many comments I can get in response. *Hint hint* Feed my ego Seymour.
Point being, we are all vain, self-centered, self-involved, and altogether selfish at some time and being single only exaggerates the matter. It's the natural man pulling us down baby. Damn the man. I recall returning from the mission and falling into a depression because I wasn't helping others on a daily basis. It was all about me. I received calls and visits because I was home from the mission. I spoke in church and people came to see who? Me. I then proceeded to decide what I was going to do with my life. Working to make money for me. I under no means am trying to paint myself as a saint. Cuz I'm not. Am I the only one who has dealt with this dilemma?
I didn't want to work, study, anything, because I felt I was being selfish. I eventually mellowed and realized that some self interest was required to obtain the salvation that I taught while in Canada. But I still feel like it's the Sarah Show everyday all day with temporary interruptions in programming while I visit teach or babysitt my nieces. I do not have a husband or children to demand my focus and service on a daily basis. I work all day, and then go home and workout to improve my health if I have the energy. I cook for myself, run errands for myself and spend money on myself.
The only semi-consistent break I get from myself is taking care of my cat. Like coaxing her down from the roof this morning after she got out and went exploring. Throw all the old maid comments you want my way, but I understand how single old women end up with their thirteen cats and the neighbor kids telling spooky stories about how she killed her husband and buried him under the floor boards. My lil Gidget is someone to take care of, discipline, love and gives some love and affection back. I adore the fact that she follows me around, either attacking my legs or taking a catnap on my feet while I brush my teeth. She is excited when I get home and purrs and rubs up against me incessantly. Now if I could only get a man to do that. See I what I'm telling you? It's all about my needs.
I think it's dangerous in the fact that we become so accustomed to taking care of ourselves, that when a potential mate comes along, we sometimes have trouble shifting the attention to them. I for one think it would be refreshing taking care of someone else for a change. Sure it may get old in 10 years. But I'm talking about my needs. Now. Me, me, me, me, me.
And whoever can tell me how many times "I" and "me" are in there gets the bonus prize.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
"Okay, we're going out. Its a date, its a scam. Whatever, whatever" John Cusak as Lloyd Dobler
By Sarita
LLOYD: I'm gonna take Diane Court out again.
COREY: Well thats unlikely.
LLOYD: Is the movies a good second date, you know? As a date?
COREY: Well you never had a first date.
LLOYD: Yes we did. I sat across from her at a mall. We ate together. We ate. That's eating. Sharing an important physical event.
COREY: That's not even a scam.
LLOYD: What's a scam?
COREY: Going out as friends.
DC: No its not. Scam is lusting.
LLOYD & COREY: Then what's a date?
DC: Date is a prearrangement. With a possibility for love.
COREY: Then what's love?
Name that movie and we will be friends for life. Possibly. But it illustrates two very important points before I get started here: 1) That there is a difference between 'a date' and other semi related activities, and 2) that despite whatever might be conveyed in the lines below, I feel for the nervous and painful responsibility of being the asker outer.
The following is an excerpt from a recent discussion I had with a longtime married man. It stemmed from Elder Oak's CES Fireside address last month and his very specific mention of the necessary change in the dating patterns of the LDS single.
"Don't tell me that men and women are equally responsible for initiating courtship. Have you ever been hunting? So tell me, when have you seen the doe nosing around the buck? It's always the other way around. It's nature!"
While I don't negate that it is perfectly okay for women to ask men out, (don't expect to see me in that role anytime soon. I blame it on my old-fashioned values, but really I am just flirtaciously challenged) I do presume that generally it lies within the man's role. I know, *cringe*. I don't deny that I accept the male gender as the ideal provider and such. Not at all implying that I can't take care of myself, but I wouldn't turn down good help. After all good help is so hard to find nowadays.
I understand that some of us are more aggressive than others, and ideally we would all pair up accordingly and balance each other out. However.....I do find some merit in Elder Oak's admonishment to the single men that they need to be asking women out on dates. In the same above referenced conversation my sister noted that her husband had been adamant when he asked her out, that they were going out on a DATE. Very John Cusak-esque. My bro-in-law abhorred the thought that nobody had the guts to call it what it was ( I know, major generalizations here, but hang with me). My sister on the other hand, a modest and brilliant model attending BYU after a stint working in France and Germany, found it refreshing to find a guy that had the *you know whats* to ask her out for real. Perhaps she was spoiled being a tall blonde prancing around these European men unabashedly offering catcalls and dates in any variety of languages. She states that she saw in him at first a slightly goofy man who would be a good husband and father, a provider who wasn't afraid to go after what he wanted in life. And he is.
So while I realize that I can't sit back and wait for that man to come to my rescue, I would like to go out on a date once in while and have great respect for the guys that actually do date. Quite the contrast to younger years when I find the frequent daters cocky and need I mention "players". Poor souls, they just can't win.
Am I alone is this desire to be swept off my feet while reserving the freedom to be as independent as I want at any given moment? I feel I am such a contradiction at times. Still I have learned to embrace it while attempting to spare the rest of society the brunt of my contradictory sprees.
In review, going back to the dialouge above: a 'date' requires prearrangment and is personified by the possibilty of love. Which can be preceded by friendship and a roaring good time, and somtimes end there. So fear not potentional date initiators.
And please tell me I am not a completely lost cause and some poor soul will have the guts to put of with me for all eternity if not one evening. I mean really, I am a moderately intellegent RM with a moderately good sense of humor and dare I say moderately attractive? Most people don't cringe upon meeting me. Maybe it's this plague I've been caring around.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Patriarchal Blessing Addition?
By Sarita
The worst part about dating--besides, you know, rejection, awkwardness, and disappointment--is uncertainty.
I love my life, but I still get panicky when I think about unknown months or years or decades until I meet a man I want to marry. And it's the unknown part that kills me. I'm positive that if my patriarchal blessing said, "Laura, you will be married at age 45," or 52 or 29 or 102, my singleness and I would be much better friends. It's the not knowing that is so hard.
It's a tricky balance, trying to simultaneously excel in my career and keep myself open to starting a family. It's hard logistically to make time to socialize, learn skillz that will help me as a wife and mother (you know, like nunchuck skillz), and still do all the things a professional single women needs to take care of.
Even harder than juggling two very different potential life tracks, though, is keeping myself emotionally available to both options. It seems impossible to commit my energies to my future as a single professional and also commit emotional resources to my future as a married SAHM.
If I knew I were getting married at age 45, though, it would be a lot simpler to wholeheartedly embrace my single life now, and look forward to my eventual married life. Really, think about it. Wouldn't that solve a lot of problems?
I suppose the truth is that we all know we'll get married eventually. I'm not an expert on post-mortem nuptials, but it's probably safe to assume that I'll be married in the next 100 years or so. That should, no doubt, be more comforting to me than it is.
I have a sneaking suspicion that I ought to be living my single life more fully regardless of whether I get married next year or in 3 decades or not until after I die. It's a hard thing to do, though. Which is why I think adding a standard paragraph about marriage date to patriarchal blessings would be a great idea. Heck, if we also got a short list of best possible marriage partners--complete with addresses and phone numbers--dating would be really simple, as well as much cheaper.
So, what do you think? Are there benefits to uncertainty in dating and singlehood? Or should I take that course in becoming a psychic after all?
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Single's Panic Syndrome
By Sarita
Much of the time I move happily enough from work to play to church. Life is good; I am happy with myself and the things I'm doing. Then, all of a sudden, BLAM! Single's Panic Syndrome hits me in the face.
My most recent episode was triggered by hearing that my recently ex-ed fiance is getting married, and not to me. I instantly went from merry Laura to despairing Laura, dissolving into a welter of insecurities and Ben & Jerry's.
You too may suffer from Single's Panic Syndrome (SPS) if you have 8 or more of the following symptoms:
You resent happy couples. You feel broken because you don't date as much as you want. You are sure that the solution to every problem--car troubles, bad roommates, unfulfilling job--is having a boy/girlfriend. You are suspicious of other people, believing they either treat you kindly out of pity for your singleness, or that they treat you unkindly out of contempt for your singleness. You view people not as individuals but only in terms of their relationships; your world turns into a couples vs singles battles. You are certain that you would enjoy things more if you were in a relationship. You think the things you're involved in are simply a way to bide time, rather than activities that are valuable in itself. You become paranoid about the way people view you. You have dating desperation, throwing yourself at any and every guy, without evaluating them or your compatibility together. You mistrust all wo/men. You constantly compare yourself with people who are in relationships. You feel like you can't pursue personal growth, goals, or interests because you are single.
For me, SPS comes and goes. I am especially vulnerable when something happens to make me feel insecure: starting a new job, having a miserable date, gaining 5 pounds, making a mistake. My instinct at these times is to blame all my painful emotions--fear, loneliness, uncertainty, disappointment--on being single. When I'm in the throes of SPS, I really truly believe that being single is the cause of all the unhappiness in my life. Blaming singleness for normal human pain also becomes a way for me to avoid dealing with my feelings or the situation directly.
With SPS, singleness becomes a crutch, an excuse to put off personal growth or to let me avoid looking at things I need to change. "But I'm single!" I wail. "How can I possibly be expected to be happy/work towards goals/reach out to others/feel peace/be excited about my future while I'm single?"
The other tendency is for me to use that crutch to beat other people with-I distrust their motives, resent them, and basically try to make them responsible for my pain.
All the negative emotions that come with SPS, though, are a part of all human life. No one--married, dating, or single--lives entirely free from disappointment, self-doubt, frustration, and loneliness.
I want to make it clear that I think SPS is a different issue than the long process of facing a life without children or husband. LDS single adults come to peace with that (temporary) future in their own way and in their own timing. I don't know anyone who finds that an easy or quick or simple thing to do, especially in a church where we are constantly reminded of God's intense interest in families.
However, God is even more interested in individuals. And I am certain that He does not want me to depend on relationships for all my feelings of validation, fulfillment, and self-worth.
My recent bout of SPS is going into remission, for which I am very glad. I'm going to try to understand myself better, serve others more meaningfully, follow my dreams more passionately and listen to God more carefully so that I stay disease-free--at least for a while.
And in the meantime, I've got a freezer full of Ben & Jerry's. Cherry Garcia, anyone?