Ministering Angels
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
To be or not to be....
By Sarita
It's not that I don't have my insecurities, and it's not that I never put up any kind of a front. I think that's human nature to generally want the world to see the best you, or sometimes, what is not even you but what you want to or feel you should be. As for myself, I am generally an open book. I am incredibly diplomatic so I probably put on a little bit of a show on occasion for the sake of getting along, or the comfort of others, but when it comes to my personal life, there is not much that I hide. Even though sometimes I think it would be to my benefit if I did.Transparent. That's what my mother tells me I am. I think it's fitting. I'm polite, but I like what I like and will let you know without reservation. What I don't like, well, depending on the situation I will be politely silent, or brutally honest. Depends. For the most part I don't try and be what I'm not (which is why the prospect of marketing my own business is terrifying.....I like what I like and don't always expect others too, so you can imagine how it might be difficult). If someone strikes my fancy, or makes me laugh, or I find them interesting, I will talk to them openly.
The issue with all of this is: I'm finding that most men run away from this. If im not interested, I will definitely be guarded in my attention towards the individual because I do not like to give false impressions..... and yet, those are the ones I can't seem to shake. On the other hand, when I am myself and comfortable, despite intense or just mild interest, or just wanting good friends, I find they disappear quickly. Honestly, I don't really understand it. Which is fine. So, I should be intentionally cold to the people I find interesting. Got it.
I watched a movie this weekend, and a line struck me. Not that it's completely profound, but given some recent occurrences it just seemed to hit home. The main character just couldn't seemed to always date the wrong guys and her friend comments that "they are all wrong until you find the right one." Comforting in a way.
It's not that I'm not independent, or that I have to get married NOW. It's human nature to want companionship, and human nature to get impatient and, on occasion, discouraged by the process.
As before mentioned, my parents must sense this as they make such gestures as signing me up for a singles site (because so and so met her husband that way and he's great!) which really is fine. There was this guy who actually wanted to meet me sometime in the next few weeks as he will be in town on business. Yet, I can't seem to get passed the profile that is composed as a letter to his future children, written by himself and his unknown future wife about their manner of meeting and desires for the future. Sweet sentiment. But cart, horse, put them in order.....comes to mind.
This is hard work.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Sincerely, Sarah
By Sarita
Yes, so I kinda, sorta, really doubt that anyone is still reading this seeing as how there hasn't been a post in well, forever. Nevertheless, I do enjoy the slight ambiguity of being able to vent, ponder, pontificate, and otherwise complain about the adventures of singledom here.So, to update the status: still single. Check. Dad was concerned enough about this that he took it upon himself to create me an account on a singles site, profile and all. Check. I reluctantly agreed to "try it out" despite my disdain for the whole process (yes I realize there are perfectly decent people on such sites and yes I even know some people that have met great people and gotten married and lived happily ever after which is great, just not my thing). Check. This amounted to receiving numerous creepy emails from men twice my age. Check. And some not quite as creepy which I actually responded to. Which resulted in 3 dates. 2 of which were actually pretty great. 1 of which the guy canceled last minute via email and later explained that it was because he was just too nervous and felt like it was a pity date.....via email (do guys not realize that we have modern resources such as the telephone as well?). Check. To which I ripped him a new one about how I'm sick of guys not asking me out in the first place and people telling me that it's just because they are intimidated(?) and I don't go on pity dates, and he has never really met me so how does he even know if I'm "out of his league" as he claimed, but I along with most girls are more interested in the guys that actually ask them out and follow through with it....(the one thing I like about the internet is that I find myself being much more brutally honest than normal). Check. Guy responded pretty positively and called and apologized and we went out, and it was decent. The other two were surprisingly enjoyable as guy was SUPER attentive, and sweet, and complimentary, and flirty, and treated me like a real date date instead of some random girl. And then disappeared. Broke it off via email....I'm starting to not love email (I'm not sure what he broke off as we had gone out twice, but I guess he was breaking off buying me meals and his inability to keep his hands off me - nothing inappropriate mind you, just very hands on) Check.
This is my beef: HE was the super attentive one. Yes I responded to that, but not nearly as much. HE was physically attentive (which was nice despite my issues with that). So why is it that as soon as I get comfortable with that idea and start to return some of those advances or just accept them a little more that guys run away. I can't seem to figure out if it's just the pursuit, or they are fickle, or insincere. The last one just gets me. I cant stand when people in general are big flirts. Can't be trusted. Maybe I'm the worst at reading people, I don't know. Granted, all guys aren't like that, but it seems as if the ones that are forward enough in the right ways, or rather persistent(?) enough for me to let down my guard enough are the ones either without the best intentions, or with no intentions at all.
It's fine really. It's not like I'm heart broken (although don't tell me that you all don't want to be worshiped by all members of the opposite sex and would take such a response as a slight rejection, but whatever). It's just perplexing is all. Sometimes I would really like to understand how the opposite sex sees me. That would definitely clear things up a little. On one side, I have family, friends, and coworkers telling me that I need to be more forward, flirtatious, etc. And so I make an effort (always room to improve oneself, no?) and when I do, the guys that are around run away. Maybe I go overboard. That's it. It's a well known fact that Sarah has issues with moderation. Which would explain her Diet Coke habit, and why this post JUST WONT END.
Sincerity is important to me. And why people tell me to flirt more. Because I don't believe in misrepresenting myself. My mother says I'm transparent. It's my super power evidently.
Sincerely,
Sarah