Ministering Angels

"They neither marry nor are given in marriage; but are appointed angels in heaven, which angels are ministering servants, to minister for those what are worthy of a far more, and an exceeding, and an eternal weight of glory."

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Deception

By Sarita

Alright, I just needed an outlet to get the following off my mind.

How is it some people can be so deceptive? I'm talking about leading double lives. And deceiving those supposedly closest to them, namely their spouse? This occurrence has seemed to be prevalent in the lives surrounding mine. Especially lately. Is it just me? Or have we in general leaned towards this tendency more and more as time goes by?

Not counting the weddings of my immediate family, I have been a bridesmaid 4 times. As of this past weekend, 3 of those weddings have ended (or very soon will be ending) in divorce. And there are additional friends who have experienced pretty much the same thing. For pretty much the same reasons. Some of the specifics may vary, but it all boils down to deception and addiction. Of these three, I knew the spouses very well. In fact was there when the couples met for two of them. I was there during their courtship, helped plan the weddings. I consider myself a good judge of character, generally. And each of them has fooled me as well. It is a sad occurrence, and I have watched those dear to me suffer because of it. Some to rise above it and carve out a wonderful life for themselves, and others have let themselves become defined by it.

The most recent and upsetting one happened this last week, to a cousin very dear to me. A sweet, trusting girl who I love. I actually introduced her to her husband. Helped him pick out the ring. After some 6 years of marriage, she comes to find out that he was never what he seemed. Despite his charismatic personality and sweet and giving nature that won over everyone around him. He was overconfensating for some pretty big demons he had been hiding since way before the wedding. A literal Mark Hacking. I'm just grateful that she is alive and despite their efforts, they were unable to have children in this time.

My heart aches for her. She has been so strong, and at the same time, is broken, betrayed, and somewhat helpless. As these events unfolded this past weekend, her husband happened to come to my front door. I am usually the queen of treating difficult situations diplomaticly. When I saw his face, I blurted out a hello, and couldn't find any other words. On some level I felt betrayed as well. I had accepted him as part of my extended family, and was betrayed for her.

I believe that some in these situations knowingly ignore signs of danger, or naively disregard them. Others go in with there eyes wide open, only to come to horrible realizations much later.

So what triggers this need to put up a false angelic front? Pressure to succeed? For acceptance? Perfection? Material possessions? I discussed this all with my father and he pointed out that things are not as they once were. He and my mother married very young, as many have and still do. He explained that he feels their is more of a risk involved today than even at his time. The world, and the adversary has this grasp on many, distorting their priorities. Even in an effort to do what one knows is correct, this distortion takes a turn that gradually leads to self destruction. A deception even to ones self.

He thanked me for always have such a clear vision of what is important. That I do not measure my self worth by what others may view as successes, but by what I know to be of value. He gives me too much credit, but am thankful that I have been taught these things in my youth. I only pray that those who are victims of such deception can see these things too in dark hours and use such injustice to grow as individuals.

It was ironic, or perhaps divinely planned, that she came to my family's ward on Sunday, as another such woman close to us spoke of agency and how our decisions effect others. She had experienced a terrible episode by her ex-husband in front of their two small children hours before she spoke, and discreetly referenced such challenges in her life. Her words and emotions were composed well. Mine not so much. For the first time in a long time, I wept. My dad leaned over and whispered how brave she was to speak of those things while we couldn't even keep our composure. Afterwards, my cousin and I embraced. She sobbed, as did I. I wish I could take that pain away from her. Why must such people be left to prey on the innocent and trusting?

I'll stop now. Just needed to get this all out in some form. It's choppy and probably base and mellow dramatic. But it helps.

6comments

6 Comments

at 4/19/2006 8:19 PM Blogger Mikie said...

Thought provoking to say the least. I don't know why people decieve like that... social pressure to conform to some sort of norm? I guess I'd have to know the full nature of the deception to think any deeper, but I wonder sometimes what is best. What do you do with those people who decieve / live 2-faced lives? They obviously need help (though likely won't accept it).

I like how you connected distorted priorities with self-destruction. I heard the phrase in church (during a prayer actually) this last Sunday -- "selfishness is self destruction in slow motion". Never heard it before, but it too was thought provoking.

Distortion. Thanks again for giving me something deeper to ponder about life.

 
at 4/21/2006 2:14 AM Anonymous JC said...

My ex-wife did the same thing. When I met her, she'd just moved to my area from out of state, so I had no way of ever verifying her stories. And I never felt I needed to. It never occurred to me that she would tell me so many lies.

But she did. Her guilt eventually caught up with her after 7 years. Rather than talking to me and finally telling me the truth, though, she began an affair, and told HIM the truth. At least, I think she did. Some of the things she told him were even more unbelievable than what she told me, so who can say really? She knows that I know what she told him, and the next 2 guys after him -- and that I wolud have been fine with knowing the truth, would have forgiven her wholeheartedly had she told me the truth and chosen to stay. . . but she was so humiliated by herself and her actions, she felt she "just couldn't" look at me and know that I knew what I did about her.

Sadly, she appears to be feeding her current boyfriend all the same lies. she hasn't learned at all. I pity him what she's going to do to him. And I pity her that she's so stuck like this.

 
at 4/24/2006 4:35 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for your comments. I suppose there is not much you can do for such souls but pity them. I thought about my cousin's husband recently and was surprised that I still thought of him fondly as before, but was just sad for what he has done for himself, and her.

 
at 5/01/2006 4:49 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

When a society puts soo much pressure on people to be perfect,being without defect or blemish, people us deception to release that pressure. We all need to lighten up. The Mormon society does not allow anyone to be below excellent. If your NOT amoung the elite YOU ARE A FAILURE! This is according to the Mormon philosophy. Good luck to all you Mormons.

 
at 5/02/2006 1:20 PM Blogger Sarita said...

I agree that the society/culture may have an influence on that pressure. But there is also the personal perception of the pressure, the family dynamic. I think it unfair to place blame on a religion/culture as a whole when after all, he made personal decisions to decieve.

I cannot pretend to understand what drives another to such a point, but do know that the blame shouldnt necesarily be displaced.

 
at 5/17/2006 1:56 PM Blogger Tigersue said...

You are so right. My sister just went through the same thing. This has nothing to do with being perfect this has to do with complete and total deception of who you are and what you do. I'm not even sure it is addiction but it is wanting to control others thoughts, feelings and actions. It is also making people think you are something you are not at all costs. IT is not a mormon only thing. It is a psycopathic problem! We all have problems we don't want others to know about, this runs deeper than that.

I have added you to my Calling All LDS Women bloggers site.

 

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