Ministering Angels

"They neither marry nor are given in marriage; but are appointed angels in heaven, which angels are ministering servants, to minister for those what are worthy of a far more, and an exceeding, and an eternal weight of glory."

Monday, February 13, 2006

third date's a charm

By Lily T

About three years ago my best friend and I decided a new rule was needed in our dating lives--we're no longer allowed to start liking a boy until he has asked us out three times. Sidenote: We define "like" in this sense as getting overly excited, daydreaming, making too much out of nothing, etc. This is by no means encouragement to play hard to get or be insincere. I'm definitely pro-sincerity and believe playing "the game" successfully is done without "playing games." Anyway, we had been noticing an alarming tendency of ours to get too attached early on, without the reality of the relationship backing up such an attachment. And while we are both still single three years after implementing this rule, we have been happier and more successful daters because of it.

My observations of relationships around me have convinced me the tendency to make too much of too little happens in both guys and girls mainly because it's so easy (and kind of fun) to get caught up in the excitedment of meeting someone new--where the otherwise benign details of personality become fascinating when compared with your own corresponding charms. Soon you find yourself believing the foundation of your shared loved for the Shins really is sure enough for a long and fulfilling relationship. Couple that with your similar preferences for asparagus over broccoli and eternity is sure to be just around the corner!

Don't get me wrong by my flippancy, I think the small compatibilities add up to a lot, and I'm all for enjoying the litte things in life and relationships...but time has taught me a little wisdom and self-control early on makes for a more enjoyable experience all around.

Enter the three date rule, where an extra bit of emotional restraint goes a long way. It sounds silly, but it's worked for every girl who has tried it. Sorry guys, I don't know what your solution to this tendency might be...maybe the same rule could apply? You just can't like her until the third date? (Yes, I'm an old-fashioned girl; I think you need to do the initial asking...we can get into that later). I wonder if it works both ways.



at 2/13/2006 12:10 PM Blogger Sarita said...

It sounds like a good rule. I have to keep tabs on myself as well. Saves one from too much undue heartache/drama/nonsense.

at 2/13/2006 7:27 PM Blogger Josué said...

Geez, three dates? That's harsh. I probably shouldn't admit this, but I daydream about people I've never even had a conversation with. Among other things, I daydream what the three dates would be like. If you're telling me that is wrong, what am I supposed to think about now?

I guess this is why I've never been out on three dates with anyone.

at 2/14/2006 11:34 AM Blogger Lily T said...

Sorry to burst the bubble, Josue, but the truth hurts sometimes. I'm not saying it's wrong to daydream, but it is ineffective if you want to maintain a semblance of emotional control. If you're fine with your daydreams keep with each his own, and all that.

at 2/14/2006 12:22 PM Blogger Annie said...

I love the three-date rule! Lily, I like that you mentioned it helping "maintain a semblance of emotional control." I find that I am actually more confident in my dating relationships when I don't let myself develop unmerited feelings. It may seem selfish, but why does the other party in a relationship deserve to have one "smitten" with them when they haven't done enough to merit it? Enough=taken the effort to at least the other out consistently, among other things. I think all involved in a budding relationship benefit from this.

at 2/14/2006 12:43 PM Blogger Lily T said...

Well said, Annie. Thanks for the endorsement! It's funny that confidence usually comes the quickest when we know what we want and don't settle for treatment that doesn't fulfill our needs.

at 2/18/2006 9:18 AM Blogger Josué said...

I'm beyond emotional control. I don't think I even have any feelings, or quite know what they are. I just daydream about having feelings. Maybe someday when we finally reach the emerald city the Wizard will give me a heart.

But seriously, you think the ideal situation is to go through three dates and never consider the possibility of what marriage with that person would be like? Seems kind of silly to me, since I thought a couple of the reasons people date is to try and figure out who they are compatible with and find someone to marry. Not that I really know because I don't date at all. But I would have to say that I would probably never ask a girl out that I can already tell I would not want to be married to, unless it was just to do something fun as friends. Not romantic. But maybe I am too judgemental. My first impressions of people are often completely wrong.

I think the only way for one to legitimately live this rule is for one to withhold all judgement until the third date. What I'm saying is if you can't dwell on things you like about a person until the third date, then you also had better not dwell on someone's bad points and reject them before the third date. And I bet you advocates of this rule don't do that.

And by this rule, guys should be asking out every available girl with whom they come in contact, and girls should never say no. Or a big powerball lottery should be set up every three weeks or so that just randomly pairs people together to go on three dates together. Because if no one can think about whether or not they might like someone because it might be emotionally harmful, there is nothing really to motivate anyone to date in the first place. And maybe that is why a lot of people don't date.

Actually, maybe that powerball thing isn't a bad idea.

at 2/18/2006 7:58 PM Blogger Sarita said...

That's actually a really good point.

I wonder when I'll win the lottery and get to go to the island with Ewan McGregor.....

at 2/20/2006 3:10 PM Blogger Lily T said...

Josue, I can't tell how much of your writing is meant seriously, but I'm going to respond as if you're sincere. I think you're misinterpreting what the rule is and what's it's meant to accomplish. The purpose is to maintain emotional control which helps ensure you don't let the cute little things you find out about someone skew your judgment, causing you to weigh more favorably the incompatibilities you might be blinded to because of being carried away with the excitement of something new.

Of course we're supposed to be evaluating the person we're dating to see if we could marry them, that's the whole point of this rule; it keeps your head clear so you can make more accurate judgments. I'm a firm believer that the "evaluation stage" begins the moment you meet someone, and ends the day you're married; that as soon as you know you definitely do not want to marry the person you're dating the relationship should end.

But the rule only really applies if you're actually dating people. How can you really evaluate if someone is a good match for you if you haven't tried matching yourselves? I really think you can know right off the bat if someone is NOT a good fit for you, but I also equally believe that if you want to know if someone IS a good fit for you, you have to be in a relationship with that person, period. Daydreaming about the possibilities will never be an accurate method of evaluation.

at 2/21/2006 12:54 PM Anonymous Mary said...

Bravo, Lily! The cooler heads prevail!


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